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<title>For As Long As He Lived by firelord-zuzu-the-jerkbender (fatherlords)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25801141">For As Long As He Lived</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatherlords/pseuds/firelord-zuzu-the-jerkbender'>firelord-zuzu-the-jerkbender (fatherlords)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Implied/Referenced Bullying, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Nightmares, Not ship focal, burn mention</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:22:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,692</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25801141</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatherlords/pseuds/firelord-zuzu-the-jerkbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Zuko remembers how Lu Ten was there for him as a child, and how he misses that comfort.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lu Ten &amp; Zuko</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>For As Long As He Lived</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Zuko… why did you bite that kid?" Zuko didn't reply at first, folding his arms with a huff of smoke from his nose. He pouted, looking to the side. "Zuzu?"</p><p>"He didn't go away when I hissed at him." Lu Ten wasn't entirely sure how to respond, so he knelt on the floor in front of where Zuko sat, thinking of how best to proceed. </p><p>"Why did you hiss at him?"</p><p>"Bad." This was familiar territory Lu Ten could work with.</p><p>"What was bad?"</p><p>"Bad," Zuko repeated, frowning like it was obvious.</p><p>"What bad did he do?"</p><p>"Bad," Zuko repeated again, pulling his legs up onto the chair with a huff, resting his arms and chin there. </p><p>"Did he say mean things?" Zuko nodded. </p><p>"What did he say?"</p><p>"Bad." Lu Ten took a deep breath. Whilst a part of him was frustrated, the rest of him knew that Zuko struggled to communicate, and Lu Ten needed to keep trying. He was trying to communicate what was wrong to Lu Ten, and Lu Ten needed to figure out what. </p><p>"Can you quote him?"</p><p>"No." </p><p>"Do you want me to know?" Zuko nodded. "But you don't want to say?" Zuko nodded again. "Okay… was it… about you?" Zuko shook his head. "About dad?" Zuko nodded, and Lu Ten tried to figure out what to ask. "If I keep asking what he said, will you keep answering?" Zuko shook his head, so Lu Ten didn't pry.</p><p>"Bad," Zuko repeated, and Lu Ten nodded. </p><p>"Did he hurt you?" Zuko shook his head. "Scare you?" Zuko nodded quickly, burying his face in his arms. "Is that why you won't say anything else?" Zuko nodded again, breath becoming shakier.</p><p>"Too scared," Zuko whimpered quietly, and Lu Ten wished there was more he could do, but he didn't want to take that control away from Zuko. </p><p>"If you told me, and I promised not to ever tell him, would you tell me?"</p><p>"I'd tell him," Zuko whimpered, "he knows I lie. He'd know! Lying makes it more bad…"</p><p>"Okay," Lu Ten conceded. He was concerned, and of course he wanted to know more, but he felt like prying would ultimately be detrimental to Zuko. He had to find a way to help Zuko without overstepping his boundaries. "why did you decide that hissing was the best way to fight back?"</p><p>"Nothing else works," Zuko mumbled, "and I don't know how to express my feelings differently. But when I hiss or growl they find me weird and scary and then they usually leave me alone. But they figured out I don't fight back anyways…"</p><p>"Why don't you fight back," Lu Ten asked quietly, and Zuko shuffled uncomfortably. </p><p>"Dad says I'm useless and weak."</p><p>"Well, he's wrong, and I can help you fight back." </p><p>Zuko shook his head strongly. "NO! They'll be more mad at me, and then, I did fight back, I bit, and now I'm in trouble, and dad is mad, and I don't like it when dad is mad, so now-" Zuko huffed and shook his head, and Lu Ten opened his arms for a hug, but Zuko shook his head again. </p><p>"How can I help?" Zuko let out a frustrated growl, shaking his head and covering his ears, clamping his eyes shut. He must've been overwhelmed, and Lu Ten still wasn't entirely sure how to help. He did know, however, that Zuko calmed down a lot easier if he had something to fiddle with. Thankfully, Lu Ten carried a few things around in his pockets for this kind of occasion. He reached into his robes, pulling out a puzzle cube. He set it beside Zuko, who immediately grabbed it. He was rough with it, still too caught up in his distress. </p><p>Lu Ten couldn't do much more than that- he'd close the doors to block out the noise, but closed doors made Zuko anxious if somebody else closed them. He'd shut the curtains, but Zuko got anxious if he couldn't see the sun. He couldn't hug Zuko or give him a blanket, because that would overwhelm him more. And if he left, Zuko would think he'd done something wrong. And Lu Ten didn't want Zuko to be more distressed, especially given the fact that Zuko had already said no to help. His baby cousin was already crying loudly, screaming and stomping his feet on the seat. </p><p>It took almost an hour for Zuko to calm down to weak sobs, looking ashamed of himself and tired. "Are you okay?" </p><p>"What do you think, dummy," Zuko snapped, and Lu Ten held his hands up in surrender.</p><p>"Do you need a hug?"</p><p>"I don't like hugs, go away! I wanna be alone!" Lu Ten nodded, sadly walking out. He stayed outside the door though, for an hour, three hours, all night even after the door closed and even after questioning looks from family. Ozai told him to tell Zuko to be awake at five, and Lu Ten bit his tongue and didn't question it. He knew by now that Ozai wouldn't respond well, but it would be Zuko who would be blamed and punished for it. </p><p>Lu Ten stayed awake until the door creaked open, and Zuko stood in the doorway holding his plush turtleduck, his blankets draped off his shoulders and dragging on the floor. He didn't look like he'd slept, and it was four in the morning. "Lu Ten?" He opened his arms, and Zuko immediately scrambled to the floor and climbed into his lap, clinging to him. He was shaking, eyes red. "Thank you for staying here…"</p><p>"I'll look out for you," Lu Ten replied softly, "I'll always be here to protect you, okay? For as long as I live. And to hug you when you're sad."</p><p>--</p><p>Zuko is thirteen, and Lu Ten isn't there to protect him from the burn. He's in the crowd, laughing, and Zuko screams out for him but he vanishes like a spirit and he's screaming as he smells burning flesh-</p><p>He screams himself awake, waking up with a jolt on the floor. He tries to hold back the sobs, tries to be strong, but he screams out and cries and he hates that he cries, hates that he wakes people up with the screams. He's told them before to go back to sleep, yelled at them until they went away, and he hates himself for it, because he can't cope alone and he knows he can't, but he always pushes help away because it never lasts, it's never permanent, and it's a lurking countdown to losing them too. </p><p>He tries his best to breathe, battles to control his crying, but it doesn't work. He can't work through his distress, can't make it go away, so he does the next best thing and stares intently at the floor until he starts to dissociate, until he stops reacting to his distress, until his thoughts spiral intrusively, until his thoughts stopped and he doesn't know when they stopped, just that he felt tired and heavy and the sun was up and his scar felt tight and achy. He felt barely there, barely able to process anything- his own needs, his own thoughts, his own feelings- none of it processes. He barely registers himself leaving the room. He's aware he did, but he doesn't remember. Existence is fuzzy and off, crumbling around him again and burning to gold. </p><p>He knows he should take care of his basic needs, even if he's struggling to recognise them. Morning routine is automatic, but he does the bare minimum. Self care isn't something ingrained into him by now, and he's beginning to think it's too late. He takes care of his immediate, most pressing needs, like finding a bathroom and drinking some water, then ignores the rest. He only hopes the walls of the inn muffled his screams, unlike the tents when they have to go camping. </p><p>He finds the others, doing his best to ignore the worried looks, eats his breakfast in order, as mechanically as possible, then goes to train.</p><p>He isn't sure how he finds himself crying at the river instead, and he doesn't know or remember when Sokka found him, just that Sokka keeps asking him something and Zuko hears just fine but it doesn't process. </p><p>Sokka hands him a small mechanical object to fiddle with, and Zuko's thoughts stop dead. Lu Ten would have done the same, if he were here.</p><p>"Zuko… you don't seem so good…" He wants to respond, tries to, but the sound gets stuck somewhere, tied up, and he can't. He can't, so he doesn't reply. Sokka sits beside him, and opens his arms in offer, and Zuko can't remember the last time he had a hug or allowed himself to be comforted, so he accepts, and cries into his chest.</p><p>Sokka rocks them both slowly, doesn't comment on how much of a mess Zuko must be. He just holds him, and it occurs to Zuko that today was the day when Lu Ten passed, and he missed his comfort more than anything right now. He wondered if he might have coped better, might have gotten away sooner, might have joined Aang sooner, and avoided so, so much more hurt, if Lu Ten had just been there to hold him. Maybe he would've given up on the Avatar, lived a life of peace whilst he recovered. Maybe, he thought, things wouldn't hurt so badly if his cousin was still there to protect him. Maybe, for just once in his life, Zuko would like to know how it felt to be protected once more.</p><p>Iroh kept him safe, comforted him, but it wasn't the same. Iroh was like the father he'd never had, but Lu Ten was more like a brother to him, had a different way of comforting Zuko that Zuko didn't think he'd ever get back. And now he was crying into his boyfriend's chest by a river with his firelord robes covered in moss. </p><p>Lu Ten had promised to be there, and he had been. Just like he said he would be…</p><p>For as long as he lived.</p>
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